My #MeToo Story

Among the issues that most draws my attention is the #MeToo movement, which has pretty much dominated the world of issues we discuss and debate and worry about. But there are so many levels in me that are touched by the issue, it is really hard to get involved in the conversation. On a very simple level, I could just say, "Add me to the list!!" I experienced inappropriate sexual approaches by men several times in my life: once when I was just about 12 years old and the next time when I was in high school. The earlier experience involved an older man who owned a small riding stable where he offered lessons and opportunities for people who knew how to ride to go for a ride on the tiny dirt circle he had or to take off and ride the NY aqueduct trail that ran nearby. Somehow I found this stable and learned that if I went there early on Saturday morning, I could clean stalls and groom horses and ride for free pretty much whenever I wanted to. This was back in the mid to late 50s in Westchester County, NY - back when it wasn't unheard of for kids around age 10 or 11 to ride their bikes three or four miles from where they lived to do things. I lived in a beautiful location in Irvington, NY and rode through Dobbs Ferry and Ardsley to get to the stable. The memories I have of this place are mostly positive, but there was a negative, unpleasant part that always has been part of the memory. From time to time, the owner of the stable would inappropriately approach me and kiss me unlike anyone one else kissed. He'd put his tongue into my mouth and I'm pretty sure I knew this was inappropriate. But I guess I also didn't think it appropriate for me to complain about it or to tell anyone else about it either. I survived it, and when I started to think back on the times I spent there, I realized in retrospect that it could have been a lot worse. There were not many people going to this tiny stable and there was I know at least one time when he invited me to the little shack he lived in and offered me some snack to eat and perhaps some tea. The bed he slept in was right next next to the table we sat at, and when I think of what might have happened there, it gives me pause. 

Then there was the other experience, when I was in high school, going from my sophomore to junior year, I think. The high school English teacher I was to have in that junior year to study American literature decided to form a gymnastics team for girls at the school. It was one of the first girls gymnastic teams that wasn't on Long Island and I was interested, so  joined. Now this English teacher was important to me in a number of ways. First of all, he was one of the best English teachers I ever had, and taught me a passion for literature that would lead me to major in it in college and later in graduate school. It led to my love of writing and my eventual career as a teacher - not only of English but of history as well. And I loved the gymnastics; it absolutely transformed my sense of self and was the one sport I was really good at. And I loved this teacher. Growing up in a broken family, living with a grandfather, uncle, aunt and cousin, he became an ersatz father for me in certain ways. I really cared about him. Did it bother me that he petted me inappropriately when we were alone in his car, driving to some facility where we did gymnastics when we were not at school?? Yes it did. Could it have been worse? Absolutely. In fact it was worse for a girl in the grade ahead of me. I didn't learn of this until many years later, but he did have sex with this girl when she was in college and it resulted in the birth of a child and total transformation of that girl's life. I consider myself fortunate, and I am in no way saying that the behavior of this man towards us and who knows how many others should be justified or excused. 

Should these things happen to girls? No, of course not. But I am glad that none of this ever came to light in those tender times in my life. I survived them, and the lack of intervention and condemnation and publicity permitted me to put these times behind me, and move on with my life in a way I don't think would have been the same had it all been publicly known. And neither of these men was a monster. Has any girl ever grown up without experiencing things like this?? Maybe, but when my mind starts getting into all this, I find a few paths always turn up that don't seem to turn up when other people get into this landscape.

One is the thought that men and women - the human race - is, after all, part of the animal kingdom. I think that is just another, secular, way of saying that we live in the shadow of a "fall" from the idealized version of what we sometimes think we are as human beings. I never hear this come up when people talk about the sexual behavior of men. And I realize this is a little weird coming from someone who is deeply into religion. I didn't grow up with it though. The talk I heard growing up was that people were just a more advanced form of animal, but we were still impelled by animal instincts and reactions that had mostly to do with survival skills. If what Darwin taught was correct - big picture - then it shouldn't be a huge surprise that sometimes, in fact many times, our behaviors were rooted in some of these animal instincts or passions. So that men who pushed against traditional restraints on their instincts should not be a big shock or surprise, and maybe females too and their efforts to attract male attention and passion were part of the "problem." I'll get deeply into that another time.  While I grew up in an environment that was largely negative about religion, I found the path of faith later in my life, a path that would become an essential one in my life, but even so it doesn't negate the truth that we are not just some meta-physical beings. We are rooted in animal instincts that underlie the higher attributes we have as children of God. We have constantly to strive to rein in instincts and passions that are part of that animal nature. We need guidance to see that and discipline to do it and patience to achieve it. And our culture does very little to assist us in these things. In fact, the dialogue that has surged around the #MeToo Movement seems to completely avoid the issue of how the "female-ing" process is saturated with culture of commodification and de-humanization of girls - cosmetics, body-revealing fashion, glamor generally. But more on that next time.